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How an Underwear Malfunction Helped me Understand Christian Fundamentalists
Walking along Cambridge's famous Mill Road after work yesterday, something happened that caused me to have a revelation over religious righteousness, and begin to truly understand the mind of the fundamentalist. Let me share my parable with you.
I don't know how it happened. Maybe I had been careless after my last trip to the loo; maybe it was, as Jeremy Paxman recently observed, the lack of support in modern underwear; or maybe I had been a little too enthusiastic bounding off the bus at the Drummer Street bus station. Whatever it was, I rapidly realized that something was not in its proper place. One of my secondary sexual organs had slipped from its safety harness and was now uncomfortably trapped in the middle of a sawing motion between denim and cotton, the skin rubbing raw in its lethal fabric embrace.
This was unbelievably painful, something like I'd imagine giving birth to be, except that unlike a woman in labour I couldn't scream, or ask for an epidural. I desperately wanted to slip a hand down there, rummage around and free my tortured testicle, but I was in the middle of a crowded street, and had nearly a mile to walk until I would be in the privacy required to achieve release without ending up on Cambridgeshire's Register of Sex Offenders. And so I was forced to walk on, in agony, looking like John Wayne with a broken ankle.
My first thought was one of anger at society. Why shouldn't I be able to just reach down, do what I need to do, and walk on? No, instead, I had to suffer for another fifteen minutes, fearing every step that I would feel a small, bloody mass slide down my right trouser leg. I had to conform to society's expectations of good behaviour - "don't touch your genitals in public" as my Nan always used to say - but this was completely irrational, why should I have to suffer just to do what someone else has arbitrarily decided is the "Right Thing"? Why would it be so bad to ease the pain? Who would it offend?
I began to think about my plight. What if I saw another man coming towards me, releasing his own trapped testicle? How would I feel? I'd be furious. My venom towards him would know no bounds. I would howl in protest, demand that society exact appropriate retribution on him. In short, I would be a total hypocrite.
And then it hit me. This might be exactly how religious zealots think.
I wouldn't be pissed off because he was breaking the rules, I would be pissed off because he was breaking the rules and I wasn't, and there are only a few ways to rationalize that, if you think about it: either (a) I'm stupid or cowardly for following rules that are wrong; or (b) the rules are right, and he is an ignorant pervert deviant who should be punished by society.
Following on from that, I have three choices:
1) Accept that we're different, life isn't fair and I've chosen to live in pain for some intangible sense of righteousness.
2) Accept I've been stupid, thank him, and switch sides.
3) Decide that he is a Bad Man and be angry.
We'd all like to pretend we'd go with 1 or 2, but that's just not true. In reality, loads of us would go with 3, but there's a hidden trap - this behaviour is self-reinforcing. The longer I continue to get angry, the more I'm investing in these rules, and the harder it will be to ever accept that I was wrong. Worse, if I'm going to make sacrifices by following these rules, then I want to see a pay-off - I want to see that I'm winning out in life over people who don't follow them. I want these people to be punished so that I know that my suffering will be for a reason.
Fast forward 30 years, and I'll be putting up posters, running RummageWatch.com, and holding angry meetings in City Hall. I may even be reading the Daily Mail. It's a slippery slope of irrationality.
And so I think that's why some of these fundamentalists are so angry. That's why they're so upset with anyone else breaking their irrational rules on homosexuality and internet porn, even though logically it has precisely zero effect on them. Every atheist out there is flying in the face of their system, and it kills them that they make sacrifices to follow their rules, while there are no apparent consequences in the lives of those who break them.
Or maybe I'm just projecting.
Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope my parable in some small way helps bring atheists and Christians together...
I think you nailed it! This is how religous zealots thought/think. They were the same intellects of the day that freaked when the man from the Pool of Bethsaida was healed on the Sabbath. (Their underware really was in a bundle!)
Christ was not a xian preacher nor a rules enforcer. Simply put He came to give eternal life, it is His free gift. You can choose to accept it or to reject it; everyone's choice.
Oh, Christ's response to the freaking religous zealots? Mark 2:27! A typical Christ response.
In the future; adjust 'em. You spent way too much grey matter getting back to the question that keeps nagging you!
iam an atheist because i choose not to belive. it seems irrational, and i dont belive it. it's really that simple, you dont need any fancy explanations
In these matters, the rules are self-imposed. However, when part of a society, obeying rules for carpool etc. is mandatory and I have a right to be angry. In fact, I would love to see the violators of this rule have their cars scratched and tires punctured. It is unfair and immoral.
I'm a Christain. This very predicament is why Grace is so important, and why situational ethics is an important consideration even in Christianity. Though the fanatical fundies don't often consider it, Hagar lied to save a life, and was considered to be blessed for it. It's not always the action, it's the context. This is why so many that don't understand the religion don't understand how war orders and "thou shalt not kill" can be in the same book. Actually, this goes for people who practice it blindly also... Anyways. Adjust your balls, dude, it's okay by me.
actually the 6th commandment is "Thou shalt not murder." if it were kill God himself would be a hypocrite. And about the "irrational" rules about homosexuality and internet porn the Bible specifically addresses those very issues and you would know that if you ever read it. It doesnt kill any christians to know that people are doing this sort of thing it kills us to know that they will spend eternity suffering
It specifically mentions internet porn? Odd.
Considering the Roman Catholic church uses "kill" instead of "murder," you can't say that he is wrong. Of course, you can't say that he is right, either. (And for you, too.) So we can just leave that as a push. (Also, it is the 5th commandment in some cases.)
And now for my own bit of sensationalized propaganda:
If /you/ actually read your Bible, you should already know that it is full of hypocritical nostalgia by God.
Don't put quotes around "irrational" when you are speaking about rules against homosexual and internet porn. You look like a jackass.
It may not kill any Christians to know that they are doing "this sort of thing," but sometimes they kill them the people for it.
You can't speak for all of Christianity, so don't try to tell us why it "kills us to know". Unlike the Pope and Catholicism.
Furthermore, spending eternity suffering isn't your problem to deal with. If we wish our souls to spend eternity in the fires of Hell, then leave us the fuck alone. I don't pester you all the time about eating pork, or wearing clothing of two different fabric, or working on Sunday, or even for not giving your offering at the altar of a bird. So when you want to stop ignoring the rest of these "irrational," maybe I'll actually leave.
Now, excuse me while I go make out with my boyfriend while we watch hours and hours of porn we downloaded on the internet.
Lets face it, as rules go, Christians have it easy. The Jews worse, then the Muslims followed by the Buddhists (I mean come on, No worldly belongings? and the possibility of being reborn as a newt?)
I say, break them rules (Except Chucking, Shoiab Aktar and Murali, this rule is golden!)
Before the gospels appeared -- apostate hellenized jew Saul of Tarsus, renamed Paul, had already created xianity. Today’s fundies (and many RCs) carry on his fine traditional religious practices. These are doctrine of losers -- revenge filled, anti-intellectual, and misogynistic. Self-deluded ego inflation runs rampant --
>> Xian anti-science (knowledge) impulse there from the start.
20-Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21-For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22-Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23-but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24-but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25-For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. 1Cor 1:20-25 NIV
>> Xian revenge impulse there from the start.
26-Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27-But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28-He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are . . . . 1Cor 1:26-28 NIV
For a very funny parody of how xian values are forged, turn to Nietzsche's On the genealogy of morals (in Basic Writings of N, Kaufmann trans.)
bipolar2
c. 2008
Please, please, have my children.
I'm not sure I'm ready for kids yet...
From the story, you may not be ready for kids any more.
(Mentally whistles "Colonel Bogey", do you know why?)
I thought that this shows the real reason why pockets were invented. To allow us to pretend to be digging for something, and allow others to pretned that you are digging for something.
But on the subject of your essay, it is clear that this choice is not conscious, but you may be onto something of the motivation.
Come now, we have all seen the bowlers shining the cricket ball close enough to make an adjustment.
I would go with the projection statement though...although I would definitely agree that some fundamentalists really REALLY think that (insert group here) really REALLY ought to be punished, while attempting to maintain attitude number 1.
I say bollocks to 'em...scratch those nuts...just don't shake my hand afterward.
Reach down there and adjust away. Then spit on the ground.
Personally I think you're talking complete balls
Benefit of being an American. We're so used to seeing baseball players adjust their athletic supporters that no one thinks much of making critical underwear adjustments.
Yes, you see, we don't get that much in Cricket :)