The crowded press-room at the rear of Team Skeptic's state-of-the-art Olympic training facility hustles and bustles with the shifting movements of almost three journalists literally climbing over each other to get the clearest view of the buffet table. Nervously I shuffle my papers. This is it. This is what I've been training for. Is that air I can feel through my trouser-zip?

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Team Skeptic manager gives press conference | AP | July 31st 2008 | Beijing
Team Skeptic Manager Martin gave a rousing press conference today as his team moved into their training centre in advance of the Ideology Olympics, but concerns remain over the novice skeptic's lack of managerial experience.
"I've been in the game for four... no hang on, what date is it? The 31st? Nearly five months, and I'm more than confident in my ability to lead us out against the assorted mystics, evangelists, conspiracy theorists, quacks, and celebrity spokespeople. Even Jenny McCarthy."
A BBC reporter asked the coach what his strategy was. "We're going to use logic and reason, plain and simple." When informed of a recent MORI poll showing that more than 72% of people believe that logic is a conspiracy invented by rogue mathematicians working for the Bush administration, the rookie coach unconvincingly responded "AHA!!! That's an appeal to popularity, which is a logical fallacy... I win!!"

(c)Associated Press. Illegal quoting may result in fines, imprisonment or execution.

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I'm sweating and slightly dazed when I walk from the press call into the dressing room to address my team, but the adrenalin is flowing nicely - team-talk time.

"Right then guys, how are the preparations going? Did you see my press call?"

The murmurs of acknowledgment rippling around the room are interrupted by Andrew Bernadin, "Well no. I mean none of us really did, did we? We may have seen it, but can we really be sure we saw it?"

"Er, right, well anyway, who's up first," I consult my list, "Dr. Vitelli?"

"Yes, well I'm up against Team Apocalypse, so I've been seeing what happens when the world doesn't end on schedule. Turns out, not a lot, although there's a lot of fidgeting and editing of diaries."

"Reckon you can take them?"

"Yes coach. To be fair, they're not the most motivated of people. I mean, what use is a medal in the apocalypse?"

"I see. Now... ah yes, the guys from HolfordWatch."

"Well, we're up against the might of the Holford Industrial-Woo complex. They're certainly doing well in the propaganda campaign, doing a brisk trade in dodgy diabetes treatments thanks to GMTV, but we're fighting back where it hurts. We've done a good-old-fashioned debunking of the alarmism surrounding aluminium in vaccines, and we kicked the arse of a guy who was flirting with germ theory denial.

"Heh, if you're here, who's watching Holford? Where is he right now?"

"In his office, 3rd floor, just back from the bathroom and having a chat with a secretary."

"I... how...? No don't... Right. Next? Ah, Autism Street."

"Yes coach. Well we're up agains the anti-vaccine guys, but we're taking them down one at a time. We tangled with Dr. Jay Gordon, a celebrity paediatrician who thinks vaccines are evil, and pretty much destroyed him."

"Sterling work gentlemen, you can have a day off training tomorrow.", I stumble across the unusual name that comes up, "Doctor Spurt? Ha, I won't ask what your specialty is!"

"Well I've been making life difficult for my opponent, coach," he responds, "specifically one Roger Coghill, who thinks mobile phone masts cause... well, basically everything from cancer to suicide. He wants to pay money to people in the hope that they will fry childrens' brains, but he doesn't seem too worried about the ethics of it."

"Blimey", I exclaim, confirming tedious American stereotypes about the way British people speak, "not only does Roger Coghill sound like he's terrible at science, it also appears that he's more concerned about generating publicity for his commercial enterprises than he is about the safety of the children he's daring people to kill. God, I wish he could somehow see my words in writing right now. Anyway, good work Spurt. Next? Ah, Paul Hutchinson!"

"I've been taking on the Engineering Team, coach."

"Engineers? Aren't they on our side?"

"Well your conventional engineer would be, yes, but these are a sort of engineering lunatic fringe. Not only are they afraid of mobile phones, but they also want to invade Saudi Arabia. Frankly, it's..."

"Hang on, who's this?" Several heads turn as the door swings open.

Sqqqquuuuuuuuueeeeeeaaaaaakkkkkkkk

Several more heads turn, except the for Holford Watch guys who are staring intently at a small portable monitor.

It's PalMD, who says something. What he says is unclear, as all we can hear as he walks to the nearest seat is krrrrrr... krrrrreeeee.... krrrrrkkkk.... sqqquuueeerkk as the form-fitting plastic bodysuit struggles to adapt to his movements.

"Pal?"

"Yes coach?"

"What are you wearing?"

"It's the new team kit coach. I had it specially made. It's aerodynamic."

"Aerodynamic?"

PalMD pats his chest "Bust-minimizing."

...

"Have you done anything useful?"

"Well yes coach, on the subject of mobile phones, I've been taking on a minor infestation of woo at the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute. They've been making really irresponsible claims about mobile phones, but don't worry, I put them in their place. They look really stupid now," said the latex-covered doctor as he struggled into his chair.

"Right, well good work. Just sit there and try not to..." kkkrrrrkkkk "...move too much. JDC, you're looking at why woos are so angry aren't you? That'll be vital for the psychological aspect of this competition. And of course Bing McGhandi, you've been the victim of some of that anger already... legal threats from a feng shui performance artist? You know, I think that's a whole new category of woo..."

"Yes coach, I think it may be a sort of speciation event, possibly the result of a quack interbreeding with a clown."

"Interesting. Now as you know, one of our biggest competitors here are Team Spirit. Now, Greta, you've persuaded some of them to stop believing in their souls, and Mike, you've suggested that some of their members making claims about angels may be a few skeptics short of a carnival, so to speak. And Bob, that's a nice job you've done debunking their claims about scientific proof... but didn't that book come out ten years ago?"

Bob is sitting bolt-upright and wild-eyed, murmuring "400 pages... the horror", so I decide to leave him alone for a bit. As I return my gaze to the list, something dark swishes past my leg.

"Ah, Podblack Cat!"

Purrr

"What's that Podblack?"

PuuuuRRRrrr

"You've been tackling cold readers on Australian T.V.? Were they any good?"

HiiSSSSSSSS

"Excellent, well there's some milk in the... oh you've gone out again. Well I think that's the Spiritualists dealt with, who have we got on the homeopaths?"

SHPalman leaps to his feet and throws disco moves, nearly taking Orac's nose off "THAT'S THE WAY AHA AHA I LEICK IT, AHA A.."

"No! Stop! Jesus man, are you on performance-enhancing drugs?"

"No, but you know, I thought I'd spice things up a bit. This is turning into a very long blog post meeting you know."

"Okay, well we're nearly there, just a few more left. Neural Gourmet, nice work you've done rebuffing denialist claims that the American Physical Society reversed its stance on global warming. And speaking of denialism, well done to Mr. Anonymous of the Bay of Fundie for some excellent work, adjusting our strategies to deal with the distinction between technical and social denialists. Now, religion...?"

Skeptic Dad stands up, "Don't worry coach, I'm on top of them. They tried to claim that babies are born believing in God, but I soon had the measure of them."

"Good work. Now TechSkeptic, I gather you managed to defeat the Free Energy team before they even arrived here in Beijing?"

"Yes coach. Well I secretly hooked up their "hydrino-based" free energy generator to the GPS system on their boat before they left California."

"Really? Did it work?"

"Last we heard, they were somewhere off the Falkland Islands."

"Nice one. So, Orac?"

"Morning coach. I'm up against Team CAM. They've been doing experiments on rats."

"Experiments?"

"Yes. They managed to get some funding, and they've been testing Reiki on rats to see if it works."

"They're waving their hands at rats to see if it cures them? What kind of idiots funded this crap?"

Orac's head sinks slightly, "The National Institutes of Health"

"It's worse than we thought... well stay strong. Now Skeptico you're last, and I gather you've been taking a look at our overall team strategy?"

"Yes coach, I've been looking at Provenance."

"Really? Nice place that, I'm keen on France. Have you.."

"No! Provenance, you know, a thing's origin, and the history of its subsequent owners. It seems that most of the time, you can distinguish woo from genuine research just by understanding its provenance. It's surprisingly simple."

"If only that sort of insight was taught in our schools," I sighed. "Then we probably wouldn't even have to be here."

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Thanks for reading my bizarre Olympic-themed entry, thanks to all those people who submitted entries, and apologies to those who didn't make it in this time. Next week's edition, the 93rd, will be held on August 14th at City of Skeptics, so get working on your submissions, and be sure to check out the information and guidlines at the Skeptics' Circle homepage!