At www.wellnessclinics.co.uk, 37-year-old "Dr. Joseph Chikelue Obi, ETC" sells a wide range of ten-dollar eBooks that apparently empower the reader, enabling them to deal with a range of potentially devastating conditions from cancer to AIDs, even the common cold. So if I had AIDS, what would he suggest? Step this way for a review, with selected Obi-isms...

"This particular Self Medication Script is specifically targeted at those in the General Human Population" - Dr. Obi

Yes, welcome to the wonderful world of Obi. So, curiosity got the better of me, and so I shelled out £5.50 (US$9.95) for a copy of his AIDS/HIV manual, "Self Medication Script For HIV & AIDS".The download comes as a PDF, 10 pages in length. Whatever he's written, it's pretty concise... there are more words in his blog entries. You can tell it's Obi though, with the colourful language, bizarre use of words and the Random Placement of Capitals.

Page 1. The good doctor starts his guide with a four-line introduction. Ignorance of the correct medical methods is no longer deemed to be acceptable... to whom I'm not quite sure.

"Human Life is an Exceedingly Fragile Entity indeed... You must therefore always be comprehensively prepared to handle it with Profound Care ; as Ignorance of Simple Self-Help Interventions is no longer deemed to be an acceptable excuse for woefully failing to fully optimize your Ultimate Wellness Potential."

Page 2 helpfully describes the target audience which apparently - and I'm seriously not making this up is "humans", just in case you were planning on giving it to say your dog, or Kevin "I, Cyborg" Warwick. It also provides a "medico-legal" disclaimer, suggesting that if you plan on following any alternative therapies, you should always consult your friendly GMC-registered doctor. You know, one of those real ones.

"This particular Self Medication Script is specifically targeted at those in the General Human Population who are competent enough to fully understand it’s contents , while appropriately discussing them with their Lawfully Licensed Medical Doctor and other Suitably Qualified Wellness Professionals"

Page 3, and you'd think with only 10 pages now would be a good time to get started with, you know, some of that AIDS advice. Only the word AIDS has yet to be mentioned once in this document. We're not there yet though - instead, it's time for a biography. Whoopee.

"Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi is a Qualified Wellness Consultant and Retired Medical Doctor..."

...FRCAM, OBE, King of Scotland et cetera. I love the use of "retired" as a euphemism for "struck-off" though.

"His USMLE/FSMB ID is 0-618-064-0 "

Now, this is interesting - he is on the registry. The Federation of State Medical Boards actually has a file on him, which includes his disciplinary record - hopefully I'll have that tomorrow. But why is a UK doctor on this database?

"He is also one of the Most Controversial Black British Human Rights Activists of the 21st Century ; with a Key Interest in Institutional
Racism in the British Medical Regulatory System.

He is, essentially, the Martin Luther King of British medicine. Forget the million-man march, Obi has the two-hundred signature e-petition.

Page 4. Finally, some actually advice! Well, more like a list. This, my friends, is the secret of beating AIDS, and I'm going to reproduce it right here, on this blog.

1) Astragalus: 24 Grams Per Day
2) Goldenseal Ointment (100% Pure Extract)
3) Coenzyme Q10 : 500mg Per Day ( Orally )
4) ...a safe amount of Minerals , Essential Fatty Acids and MultiVitamins.
5) Vitamin B12 Shots : 0.2mg Per Day ,Only If Additionally Required
6) An Exceedingly Balanced (And Sumptuously Garnished) Diet
7) Regular Physical Exercise (e.g Cycling) & Brainwork (e.g Sudoku)
8) Emotional Empowerment Techniques & Social Networking
9) Joint Supervision by both Qualified Wellness Consultants & Licensed Medical Doctors . . . as very many other options are also available too.
10) At least 8 Hours of Quality Sleep per 24 hour period. ( Valerian Tea might help , especially at times when you simply just can’t get to sleep ).
11) Safe Sex Only . Always use One New Condom Per Ejaculation. Women should also firmly consider using Anti-HIV Microbicidal Cream with a specially designed ‘Female Condom’ for extra security.

So herbs, ointment, vitamins, a balanced diet, emotional support, exercise, visiting a doctor and getting a good-night's sleep will help you be healthier. Oh, and have safe sex with a condom, because if you've got HIV you might not be aware of the dangers of risky sex. Just, wow... The thing is, I've still not seen any specific mention of AIDS, and this list seems very generic. Could it be that all of Obi's self-help guides contain just exactly the same text inside maybe??

Page 5. Maybe now we'll get to something a bit more concrete? Maybe not.

What you must have in your Personal Wellness Kit:

A Digital (Electronic) Blood Pressure (and Pulse) Monitor, A Digital (Electronic) Blood Glucose (& Cholesterol) Monitor, A Digital (Electronic) Stethoscope, A Digital Electronic Thermometer, A Digital (Electronic) Weight Monitor, A Simple Calculator , a Pen Torch , a Patellar Reflex Hammer , a 10ft Measuring Tape , Reliable Internet Access , a Laptop Computer , a Mobile Phone , a Speech Enabled Webcam Device ,and a highly reputable range of Self Help Publications.

A First Aid Kit plus a wide range of Over the Counter (OTC) , Non Prescription Products and Home Testing Kits ; in addition to whatever other Prescriptions (or Therapeutic Regimens) which you may be on.

So basically, just build a clinic in your garage, and stock it with... well, he doesn't say which home-testing kits and OTC products you need, just grab a crate of whatever takes your fancy.

Page 6,7,8,9,10. Believe it or not, that's it. Page 6 gives a little grid where you can pencil in your weight or whatever every day for 8 weeks. Page 7 is filled entirely with the infamous grinning picture of Obi, presumably to act as some kind of inspiration. Page 8 is a repeat of the earlier disclaimer, page 9 is a copyright notice, and page 10 is just a blank space for notes.

2 pages of actual content (and I use that word loosely) and 8 pages of padding - my teenaged self would have been proud. The entire document contains 717 words, which is less than two-thirds the length of this blog entry. The only advice contained is to live healthily, and buy one of everything at the local chemist. But then, what did we really expect? In the entire guide, the word AIDS appears just once, in the title of page 4. It's not even a guide, just a list of things with no real explanation.... what, exactly, are we supposed to do with a voice-enabled webcam??

The only people who will buy this are the ill-informed or the desperate - precisely the sorts of people that society needs to protect from the likes of Obi.